I have been following a recipe for chocolate cake for months and still not finding something to take out of the oven. (Wow that pun will be so good later on and I didn't even plan it...but I digress). I have consulted evey recipe I can find, talked to amateurs, talked to experts, and still nothing. And here I am feeling like I was voted out chef school when I am dying to win a James Bears award or a Michelin star. No matter how hard to try...for some reason motherhood is a club too exclusive for me. And when I step back and look some of its members I think...really you picked her???
The cake mix cake
In 2012 we were planning our trip to Italy which was supposed to be 2 weeks of red wine, carbs, cheese and baby making. But with so many pending weddings I thought, let's push a few months. I would like to go to these and I to be honest I wanted to go then pregnant. How foolish that was. Lesson learned and learned big time....never hit pause in your life....not worth it.
Up until this point, I thought we had done it right. I met my husband at 14. I knew who he was, knew we were cut from the same cloth. We started dating 7 years later after each us had had great loves, loves lost, a few random hooks ups and lots of fun. That said I wasnt ready to fall in love when I did. I was 22 when I realized I was going to spend the rest of my life with Jason. I knew he was it when I wanted to be a better woman because of him and because he was going to let me follow my dreams.
So checking back in with the recipe, I found the first ingredient. Place the one in a bowel.
But I was not willing to hit pause at 22 (I was clearly smarter in my youth). I wanted to chase a career. I wanted to support myself, I wanted to prove I could do it alone and do it well. So I did. I worked for 2 large/huge companies and became known for my work ethic and drive.
Back to the recipe, take finding the one and mix in career success.
Jason and I moved in together and started planning a life together. I was never a "on my wedding day" thinker. I was "in 25 years what does marriage looks like for us" thinker. I felt good about our path, that Jason and I were better together than apart but were still independent enough to not "need" each other for everything. We got engaged, bought a house, adopted a dog, and had one kick ass wedding.
Then we said, let's be married, have fun, travel, be stupid, drink too much, sleep late, bike and run, and continue on that career path.
After mixing in career success, add in a diamond, wine, scotch, various stamps on the passport, new jobs, and lots of what I will call fun sex (with protection of course...because you want to cautious). Let the mixture sit overnight.
So when I was ready to pull the trigger, I was ready and so was Jason. I got off the pill and thought...here we go! I hope I can fit into the last bridesmaid dress because I will be pregnant by then.
And going back to the recipe, this is the part where my easy cake mix box recipe failed because nothing happened. Summer came and went I had not even even missed a period and peed on 100 sticks.
New recipes
And this is where fine tuning the recipe came. Adding ingredients to box mix, starting a cake from scratch, making it vegan, gluten free, using special chocolate, etc.
This equates in reality to: pills, purposeful sex, new positions that supposedly make a baby, Jason "taking care of himself" after a ride, accpunture, yoga, gaining weight, losing weight, not moving for 15in after sex, lots of 2 week waits, ovulation tests, counting days, looking at cervical mucus, lots of blood work, sending Jason's boys for analysis, taking countless pregnancy tests, a scary hsg test, tears, embarrassment, anger, hormone pills (again), not wanting to talk about it, wanting to talk about it, everyone around me getting pregnant with baby 2, depression, meeting with a specialist, more sex that checks a box and is not meant for fun, a round of IUI, vaginal progesterone pills, failed tests and thyroid pills....and I hear I sit with no baby or cake in my oven.
I am lost, I am not myself, and hope is all around but I can't see it. I followed the recipe (s) and got nothing. Not even a a crumb (a postive pregnant test).
And now I am not sure what to do with myself but to run away. Run away with Jason to live a life that doesn't look like success. The pressure of living in Indy right now is too much. Everyone arrives to a bake sale and we are disqualified. It is so maddening. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I watch meaningless tv all night because sleep feels like a privilege and forces me to really think about my problems. What I used to love (running, yoga, cooking, cleaning the house) now feels line a chore.
I know a baby will not fix this but I am trying to move forward. If a chocolate cake is not in my future what do I do next?
