2014 check in!!

2014 New Years Resolutions

Make a Baby - tried really hard
Take Ray on a walk 3 times a week - Got so much better 
Save $10,000 dollars - check! 
Be more productive at work - check! 
Find a job that makes me happy / get happy at work - still working on 
Take a Hike in Bloomington - nope! 
Visit Turkey Run - nope! 
Take a week off from Social Media - shoot forgot! 
Eat ice cream at Chocolate Moose - check!

Where do we go from here

By my definition, a recipe is set of steps  including ingredients and timing to come out with let's say a chocolate cake. 

I have been following a recipe for chocolate cake for months and still not finding something to take out of the oven. (Wow that pun will be so good later on and I didn't even plan it...but I digress). I have consulted evey recipe I can find, talked to amateurs, talked to experts, and still nothing. And here I am feeling like I was voted out chef school when I am dying to win a James Bears award or a Michelin star. No matter how hard to try...for some reason motherhood is a club too exclusive for me. And when I step back and look some of its members I think...really you picked her??? 

The cake mix cake

In 2012 we were planning our trip to Italy which was supposed to be 2 weeks of red wine, carbs, cheese and baby making. But with so many pending weddings I thought, let's push a few months. I would like to go to these and I to be honest I wanted to go then pregnant. How foolish that was. Lesson learned and learned big time....never hit pause in your life....not worth it. 

Up until this point, I thought we had done it right. I met my husband at 14. I knew who he was, knew we were cut from the same cloth. We started dating 7 years later after each us had had great loves, loves lost, a few random hooks ups and lots of fun. That said I wasnt ready to fall in love when I did. I was 22 when I realized I was going to spend the rest of my life with Jason. I knew he was it when I wanted to be a better woman because of him and because he was going to let me follow my dreams. 

So checking back in with the recipe, I found the first ingredient. Place the one in a bowel. 

But I was not willing to hit pause at 22 (I was clearly smarter in my youth). I wanted to chase a career. I wanted to support myself, I wanted to prove I could do it alone and do it well. So I did. I worked for 2 large/huge companies and became known for my work ethic and drive. 

Back to the recipe, take finding the one and mix in career success. 

Jason and I moved in together and started planning a life together. I was never a "on my wedding day" thinker. I was "in 25 years what does marriage looks like for us" thinker. I felt good about our path, that Jason and I were better together than apart but were still independent enough to not "need" each other for everything. We got engaged, bought a house, adopted a dog, and had one kick ass wedding. 

Then we said, let's be married, have fun, travel, be stupid, drink too much, sleep late, bike and run, and continue on that career path. 

After mixing in career success, add in a diamond, wine, scotch, various stamps on the passport, new jobs, and lots of what I will call fun sex (with protection of course...because you want to cautious). Let the mixture sit overnight. 

So when I was ready to pull the trigger, I was ready and so was Jason. I got off the pill and thought...here we go! I hope I can fit into the last bridesmaid dress because I will be pregnant by then. 

And going back to the recipe, this is the part where my easy cake mix box recipe failed because nothing happened. Summer came and went I had not even even missed a period and peed on 100 sticks. 

New recipes

And this is where fine tuning the recipe came. Adding ingredients to box mix, starting a cake from scratch, making it vegan, gluten free, using special chocolate, etc. 

This equates in reality to:  pills, purposeful sex, new positions that supposedly make a baby, Jason "taking care of himself" after a ride, accpunture, yoga, gaining weight, losing weight, not moving for 15in after sex, lots of 2 week waits, ovulation tests, counting days, looking at cervical mucus, lots of blood work, sending Jason's boys for analysis, taking countless pregnancy tests, a scary hsg test, tears, embarrassment, anger, hormone pills (again), not wanting to talk about it, wanting to talk about it, everyone around me getting pregnant with baby 2, depression, meeting with a specialist, more sex that checks a box and is not meant for fun, a round of IUI, vaginal progesterone pills, failed tests and thyroid pills....and I hear I sit with no baby or cake in my oven. 

I am lost, I am not myself, and hope is all around but I can't see it. I followed the recipe (s) and got nothing. Not even a a crumb (a postive pregnant test). 

And now I am not sure what to do with myself but to run away. Run away with Jason to live a life that doesn't look like success. The pressure of living in Indy right now is too much. Everyone arrives to a bake sale and we are disqualified. It is so maddening. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I watch meaningless tv all night because sleep feels like a privilege and forces me to really think about my problems. What I used to love (running, yoga, cooking, cleaning the house) now feels line a chore. 

I know a baby will not fix this but I am trying to move forward. If a chocolate cake is not in my future what do I do next? 

Facebook Fallopian Tubes

Today was a big day, full of ups and downs but mostly filled with important lessons. 

Lesson #1 - Speed is not often the best way. 

Lately at work I have been pushing to do faster, harder, better. I have a lot to learn. I am not good with a fast product. I need time to make my best product. Right now I have been rushing and not making it my best product. I need to recognize, slow down, and take the time. Things dont have to be perfect but they need to be better than they are right now. and I need to not over commit. Learn to say no at work and be okay with it. 

This speed also applies to home life. I need to be a better wife. 

Lesson 2: ORs are a scary places but a warm smile can be calming. 

I had an HSG test today and walking into an OR is freaky. Big lights, machines. But a warm smile can make anything better. The X-ray nurse looked in my eyes with a smile and when I was nervous those eyes made it better. It didn't hurt but was uncomfortable. During the procedure, I thought something was wrong but good news...clean report.

Lesson 3) Doctors are funny 

My ferility doc who did the procedure was super nice and funny. He was positive and said, some people get pregnant after this procedure. Sometimes we just need to clear things out. Such an uplifting comment. My OBGYN said be opposite, it could be normal and you still need IVF. Thanks! 

After he said it went well, he gave  me a pic of my uterus and tubes and said, "this is for your Facebook." 

Lessons learned. How am I learning more now than in my 20s. Was I not pushing enough to grow? 

Last Friday night

Fridays are magical. The joy of the weekend, the relaxation, projects, workouts, and being home with Jason. 

Indiana has been bitter cold and there is nothing better than fire, wine, and the one you love. 

Thankful

There are times in your life when you feel you got the short end of stick. Lately, it has been one of those times. Everyone seems to have it greener on their side of the fence. 

My job, our lack of fertility, our old house, no pending vacations, the fact Jason is annoyed I work so much, I didn't get Ray a walk this weekend, I am a food snob, my attitude has been a little harsh, I spend too much time with TV, etc. all those things have piled up and made me feel wow I really pick the short straw in this round. 

Then as a blessing from out of the sky something comes in and smack see you right in the face to make you realize you do not have it so bad. 

This morning I received an email from a dear friend and someone who I really respect. She is one of those people in my life that I always wonder how does she has it together,  how does she make it work,  how does she always make everything a positive... All while making it look like she's walking on water with ease. She also happens to be the kindest and most generous person I think I may know. 

Well this morning she opened up and shared with them going on in her life. It's hard and she's alone I don't know what to do I what to say to help her. I often am afraid of speaking up at times like this because what I say I feel is never the right thing. 

But as I sat over the weekend thinking about all the troubles and stress and strain in my life, I failed to realize that my problems really aren't as bad as they could be. 

I have a loving husband a great family and a wonderful group of friends that work to keep me grounded even though I sometimes make it hard. 

That email was a slap in the face and one that I needed and I am thankful. Thankful for the reminder that I am not the only person in this world. 

Back at It!

Well hello there!

It has been a long while since I have done anything with this blog. Although, maybe in 2014 I will spend more time here.

Blogging is such a pressure because you over think every post and try to perfect it. Really this is just an online journal to capture some thoughts.

So here goes....

I had not touched "The List" in a very long time and when I did..WOW. I had actually done a lot of things on it. Pretty cool! I hope that I continue to be able to check things off. I also added some 2014 goals because at the end of the day I am one of those people who like lists. Cross something off...BAM. Cross off 3 things...oh it feels like Christmas.

Here's to spending more time for me and considering my thoughts.

How soon we forget...

Well I started the blog to document what I had done as a first in 2011....yet forgot to write it down. I guess blogging takes more time than I though. Hump.

Anyway...since April it has been a great year. While a lot of great firsts have happened, so has a lot of great learning. I think I can really look back on 2011 and realize I learned about how I need to live for the rest of my life. The word need is a strong one, but I am going to use it.

There are many things in life that want, but only a very few that we need. In life I need....
1) Jason. He is the yin to my nutzo yang
2) My family. The Hurshs are a strange group, indeed; but I need to them to feel like myself. As the family anthem says, "I'll proudly stand up and admit that we're related"
3) Sleep and Down Time. As much as I like to push to the next thing and jam pack every minute of the day, I really need to chill. It makes me a better me
4) Food. Duh...this is a no brainer
5) Time with my real friends. The people who I don't have to apologize for being me.

Yep... That is about it. I need those things to keep going.

It is Christmas time and there are so many things to want. Although, I always should remember what I want versus what I NEED.